i had this vision that if i could take my folks, seated on a stage and have a Q&A with them. you see, this would be i'm sure hilarious yet revealing. my pops was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the 70s and before that blew up he may have had a type of narcissistic personality disorder. my mother has developed depression; what i think is some form of post-traumatic stress disorder from hooking up with the old fool in the first place.
theirs is quite a salacious tale of chaotic love and betrayal. ma came to california with her first husband, a lounge-lizard piano player of maltese descent. he was 20 years her senior and looked a lot like jean cocteau. they were drawn to the arty beatnik scene of san francisco and left new york city for the brave new world inhabited by ginsberg, kerouac, and espresso.
my folks met at a house party in the fillmore. pops was working on his second bachelor's degree at the catholic university, USF. ma's husband joe played piano bars around the city; spots like the st. francis hotel and occasionally cafes and joints around north beach where all the cool cats kicked it.
well ma fell head over heels over pop. he was (honestly) a strikingly good-looking dude, but worst yet he knew it, which can make a young man unbearably dangerous and arrogant. ma made the first moves and pops was initially apprehensive because she was a married woman. well you know, the flesh is week and desire is strong. they had an affair and she got pregnant with me.
so she left joe and settled in with pops. they got an apartment in the fillmore where we lived when i was a baby. 16 months later my sister nina was born and they took a large flat in an apartment building in the haight where we lived for a several years. the neighborhood at that time was a bizarre mix of russian immigrants, hippies, revolutionaries, and junkies.
the folks had a brief separation around the time i was 5 maybe. then they bought a modest house in bernal heights, a neighborhood south of the mission district. my sister and i had a front yard to play in and we went to a hippie progressive school in the area.
then things fell apart. i can't discern exactly when, but eventually the happy family scene disintegrated into chaos. pops was seeing other women (even at one time took us to visit a girlfriend in the projects). then when ma decided two could play that game, he became abusive and tyrannical. he struck her in front of us, his own children. what kind of man does that? cops came to the house on several occasions and there were many times we went to stay with friends or in shelters to escape the mayhem. i can' t imagine how difficult that must have been for ma. she was from a working class family of italian immigrants. this was a whole new harsh ghetto experience for her; fleeing an abusive relationship with two small children. she managed as best she could trying to keep it together. she had a nervous breakdown when i was about 12, which i think was exacerbated by anguish and overwhelming stress. pops by this time was on the streets, a prisoner of his own demons and incapable of caring for his kids should anything happen to her.
oh yeah. rough times, my friend.
so i would ask my folks why the fuck did they hook up in the first place? what were you thinking to bring children into this mess?
truthfully i know the answers, which are messy, evasive, and maybe even hilarious when i imagine this scenario extrapolated from various conversations over the years and my sense of their personalities:
ma: i got pregnant by accident and i wanted him, so i decided to give it a try. i didn't know him well enough, but i was in love.
pop: i loved you too, norma.
ma: (scowls) yeah, right.
Q: then why did you cheat on her and abuse her, pops?
pop: that was the CIA and the FBI. it was all a conspiracy because they didn't want me with a white woman. they told me: nigger, what are you doing having babies with that white woman? we'll kill you, nigger.
Q: ok, pops. so you're saying the CIA and the FBI made you a cheating, lying, abusive husband?
pops: well....no. i guess that was my fault. but they had me stressed out. coming to the house talking about gonorrhea and the clap. and the homosexuals...they just kept bothering me.
Q: i see. and ma, how did you deal with this?
ma: well, i was really overwhelmed trying to raise you kids and him smacking me around. but anyway...that's all water under the bridge now.
Q: have you forgiven him?
ma: why do you ask me that? have you forgiven him? i did the best i could raising you kids with no support. he really did a number on me.
Q: do you think that is because you're white?
ma: i think that was part of it, yes. i think he thought because i was white i would put up with that crap. i don't think he would have treated a black woman that way.
pops: mmm... i'm sorry for what i put you through, norma.
ma: whatever....it's water under the bridge, howard.
Q: how do you think this relationship between you affected your kids?
pops: well.....i could have done better. been a better father and husband. but i wasn't in a good place back then. people were harassing me about my nursing degree and being a green beret. they were really out to get me. telling me, ' get your black ass outta here. we don't want you in the green berets '. i've been trying to make it up to you and your sister since then. yeah....i was going through some head trips i guess.
Q: and you ma?
ma: all i know is i did the best i could. it was a very difficult experience for me. do we really need to get into this again?
Q: why didn't you move back east where you had more support?
ma: i grew up in a family where you made your bed you lie in it. anyway, i didn't think it would have been easy for you kids living in a small town like dover at the time.
Q: because we're black?
ma: yes. (sighs) i'm really not comfortable talking about this.
Q: don't you think this is in a way healing to talk about it?
ma: healing shmealing. it was a long time ago. you kids turned out fine. i wasn't running around in bars looking for men. you weren't neglected. i did the best i could.
Q: i understand, ma. it was difficult.
ma: wasn't your break-up with christian difficult? or marrying that carlos from belize?
Q: his name was carl. and we're not talking about my relationships, ma. we're talking about you and pop.
ma: why?
Q: so i can get a better understanding about the relationship of my parents as a man and a woman.
ma: what do you want to know?
Q: ma, you just said you didn't want to talk about it.
ma: that's not the point.
Q: ok. moving on! pops how are you feeling these days?
pops: okay i guess. i sit around listening to jazz and smoke my pipe. it would be nice to have a lady friend, but i don't think i'll ever meet a good a woman as your mother. i haven't had very good luck with women since we left the house on elsie street.
ma: (humph) i seem to remember you refused to leave that house. you said it was your house and you were the king of your castle. i had to move out with the kids. what kind of crap was that?
pops: yeah....i am sorry about that, norma.
Q: and you ma? how are you feeling these days?
ma: i'm fine. i like my own company. i read a lot and working part-time keeps me busy. but my knees are giving me trouble since the trip to alaska. i'm going to see a specialist, but i'm a little concerned about whether or not my medicare will cover it if i need surgery. i hope i don't of course. getting old is no walk in the park, lemme tell you. i saw this program on CNN once....
Q: well, my thanks ma and pop for taking the time to talk with me. i love you both.
pop: i love you two, tiks. and nina too. my bambinos!
ma: why do you call them bambinos? where did you get that from?
pop: they're my bambinos and they're italian...like their beautiful mother!
ma: give it a rest, howard.
dedicated to ma + pop
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