lady menopause

  

                   The menopause symbol the interwebs gave me.

The hot flashes are taking my lunch. I'm not even fighting it anymore. My bedroom is set-up for Arctic blast level cool. I sit with a fan at work. I take frequent walks around the theater district because air is the source of life itself. When I had the uterus big chop, my surgeon said keeping my ovaries proved to be beneficial for uterus-less women with egg sacks who were otherwise healthy patients.

Right on. 

I remember not being excited at the prospect of taking hormone therapy. I get to keep my eggs? Cool! It's not so cool, in fact it's the opposite of cool.  Menopause is to live with the internal summer. Blankets on, blankets off.  Whenever I'm minding my own business, Lady Menopause is always starting some shit: 

You don't know where the toilet paper is? You're a loser with dementia.

Where are you going? You took the wrong turn. Impressive for someone who grew up here. Girl, are you okay?

You're talking too much! Shut up or they'll think you're crazy.

You're too quiet! Say something before they think you're crazy.

Depressed? Give me a break. I'll give you something to cry about! I'm going to turn your internal temperature up to Miami in July!

Let's go on a hike! I'll reward you with some serious muscle pain. Remember to take calcium and ibuprofen later. 

 You hair is dying. I'm making your hair die. After you vacuum you will pull a tribble out of the wand. When you're walking in the wind, I will take a tribble. When you wash your hair, I will put a tribble down the drain.

 You're tired? Girl, I'm tired! I toil all day, every day tripping your hormone levels out. Better buck up, buckaoo! 

No. You said you were tired. You're not doing that because it's young shit you don't have the energy for.  Take a nap! 

Eat it! Eat all of  it! Fuck it! 

That's cute, but what if you gain 50 lbs? You can glide through this or waddle. It's up to you. You know I can flip the situation on a dime. Don't try me. 

Do you want sexual thoughts to consume you today OR do you want

to hide out from humanity? I'm literally down for whatever. Did I say literally? Ha! I meant figuratively. 

Everything is racist. Just watch some funny animal videos and you'll feel better. 

Oh damn! Don't go into a rage or anything, just play Time Crisis or Alien Exterminations. You can impress 12 year olds and other regressive adults like yourself. 

No fantastical dreams for you! I'm going to hijack your dreams with your subconscious anxieties then you'll wake up on fire.

Haha! I'm just playing with you for an indeterminate length of time until I decide to quit. You know, girl time is just an illusion. 

Wake up! Wake up! Capitalism is the magic you've been waiting for! 

It's your job to hack your time. I'm here to make it more of a challenge for you with the hot stuff. 

You can try the herbs and the tumeric and whatever medicinal earth mama shit you're on, but I am nature and evolution. Who do you think you're fucking with?  

Love, me.